What it's like for me.....

I like to blog about the way Autism affects my children....the things it steals from them, the gifts it gives them and their triumphs and defeats. I don't blog a ton about the way Autism affects me....but I think it's important and I have some things to say. First of all....Autism SUCKS! It took the image I had of my family and shattered it to pieces. What would I give to have the worries of typical parents? Pretty much anything. Did you know that Autism is REALLY hard on marriages too?? I've been told that over 80% of marriages end in divorce if they have a kid with Autism. Did I ever mention that I work in Law Enforcement? I have no idea what the divorce rate is for cops, but it's gotta be way up there with Autism. I'm lucky to have a supportive, caring, involved spouse....he made the decision a long time ago to "get on board" with everything Autism. But....truth is....I'm about as close to a single parent as you can get without actually being a single parent. I have very few people that I trust to babysit my kids. They've never been to "daycare," partially because I'm terrified that they won't be able to tell me if something bad happens. So....my husband and I work opposite shifts.....we literally trade the kids off at work. Right now we are lucky because we have 2 whole days off together....but that also means that I am alone with the kids 5 nights a week. My nights can easily become frustrating, lonely and overwhelming. I'm pretty sure that we'll all make it out alive and hopefully one day we can get on the same shift and have more time together.

I know it's hard to believe, but I tend to talk A LOT about Autism to anyone who will listen. Unfortunately I'm finding out that most people don't want to hear it. Autism has affected my friendships tremendously. I can pretty much say that I have one real, true friend in the whole world. She's been there for me for over 23 years....she has typical kids....she lets me cry and vent and feel sorry for myself when I need to. I am SO grateful for her. I also talk to my mom quite a bit.....she's walked the walk as far as raising special needs kids. She understands EXACTLY what I'm going through. She guides me, but she doesn't let me wallow in self pity too often. On the other hand, I can't keep track of the friends (or potential friends) that have fallen victim to Autism.

Some of my former friends don't have kids....or don't like kids....and they really just don't understand or care. Some of them used to try and include my kids in birthday parties, get togethers and such, but eventually just found it too frustrating. It hurts me....A LOT....but, I understand. My kids frustrate the hell out of me! As they get older and their differences become more apparent, I find us being excluded from more and more birthday parties, BBQ's and play dates. The thing is....Nick and Max don't even realize it or feel hurt by it. When another kid is mean to them and refuses to play with them or won't let them play with their toys or says something hateful....well.....they really don't even notice. I guess that's good? Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for them to understand friendship and want to have friends, but have difficulty making them or if it's better this way. At least they don't feel left out, let down or hurt. But I sure do. I want to lash out at those kids or the parents who ignore us. God....I know we're better off without these people in our lives, but it still hurts so bad. We've been invited over for play dates in the past. I remember one where the other mom looked so harried and freaked out when we left.....we never got invited back. I've wanted to ask some kids over for play dates only to be shut down by their parents before I get the chance. I have been humbled by the kindness of some of the kids in Nick's classroom this year. They have tried to include him and talk to him and learn about him even when he doesn't talk back or answer questions or try to learn about them. I don't know how long that will last, but it warms my heart when I see it.

I've had other parents make it very clear to me that our kids are not really friends....I guess it's not o.k. for their kid to have a friend with special needs. I mean....I know my kids aren't going to help your kids learn how to pretend play, ride a bike or shoot hoops, but I think they can teach a lot about patience, compassion and enthusiasm. The things you model for your children will shape who they are as adults....and who wants their kid to grow up to be an asshole that thinks they're better than everyone? I bet you'll wish you raised kids with patience and compassion when you are elderly and need help caring for yourself. Yes....my kids have a lot to teach....and a lot to learn if given the chance.

I've had really good friends just flat out write me off because of Autism. They can't stand the "perks" my kids receive because of Autism. Free Preschool, fast passes at Disney and "excuses" for their bad behavior. So, yes....for me Autism is extremely lonely. It's almost harder to make friends with other parents of kids with Autism because they have the same challenges we do. We talk the same language and understand each other, but we just don't have a lot of time for each other. Wouldn't you know it, but we tend to judge each other as well :) What do you mean your kid isn't gluten free, casein free, soy free, artificial dye free, homeopathic, b12 shots, supplements etc?

So....if you're reading this and you feel like I've latched on to you, I'm sorry....but I'm lonely and bored. If I won't shut up about Autism and my kids, I'm sorry. It's who I am....it's who my kids are and I can't change any of it. If you can't deal with us...the whole package....then you're not worth our time anyway. But that doesn't mean that I'm not hurt or lonely or sad about it. It also doesn't mean that I'm not proud, happy and content with my family. I couldn't imagine us any other way.

I have window lickers?

The previously promised Chapter 2 regarding Disney World and Autism has been postponed for this important announcement.....I am never taking my kids to the doctor by myself again...ever. I admit that I say this pretty much every time I take the kids anywhere but geez...today was a GEM! I idiotically scheduled myself, Nick, Max and my brother Jonathan appointments for the allergy doctor starting at 1:00 today. I usually take my brother along because he sees the same allergy doctor and to save my parents a trip. Ok....so my brother technically counts as another adult and I wasn't technically ALONE at the doctor with my kids, but it's kinda easy for them to get away from him because, well....did I ever mention that he's blind? So picture this as our foursome enters the doctor's office: Max is in search of sensory input as usual and runs directly into the paneled glass door of the front office (which of course made everyone in the very full waiting room look directly up at us.) Nick thought it was HI-LAR-IOUS that Max did this (plus it must've looked fun), so guess who also rammed his little body into the door....twice? Yup....on purpose...both boys get a lot of pleasure out of running into and bouncing off of stationary objects. So....we entered the waiting room....all eyes on us....the kids literally bouncing off walls, the mom, and the blind guy with his white walking cane....sigh. I signed us all in, moved us all away from the majority of people and tried to be inconspicuous. This is rather difficult when your 6 year old is into verbal stimming. Yup....got a lot of looks when Nick shattered the silence of the waiting room with his loud, joyous screams.

Max ran laps around the waiting room, harassed the injections nurse for suckers and threw a ginormous fit when I tried to contain him. Finally they called Jonathan up to fill out paperwork. The four of us made our way to the counter and were informed that we could split up....after all, we could fill out the paperwork separately to make it go faster. Really? I looked at the receptionist, down at my brother's cane and back again......she just blinked and smiled. Eventually I told her that I would be helping Jonathan to fill out his paperwork....unless they had a copy in braille.....duh!! So, I filled out paperwork while Nick shredded anything he could find and threw it up in the air like confetti. Max was engrossed in the I-Pad by this time, so we just had to put up with the occasional loud verbal screams coming from Nick. The receptionist just stared.....I had the notion to tell her that Nick has Autism as an explanation, which I often do in situations like these. I finally decided that, no.....I was not going to tell her! Nick is getting old enough to hear and understand what I'm saying and I hate to be telling people in front of him all the time, "Oh, please excuse him, he has Autism." I mean....if she can't deal with it, then that's her fault, right?

At this point, they wanted to take pictures of both boys for their records....yeah....seriously. I got Nick settled down for the picture just as a nurse called Jonathan's name for his appointment. I waved at her and told her that we were taking pictures and we were ALL going into the appointment together. Again....another blank stare. So, I crossed the room, explained the situation and walked back over to the little office where picture taking was in full effect. Apparently Nick had already had his picture taken, because the receptionist was asking him to get out of the chair and let Max sit down. Nick ignored her and stayed put.....Max ignored her and played on the I-Pad....Jonathan was just standing there. I finally physically picked Nick up and sat Max in the chair. He immediately realized he was having a picture taken, which really pisses him off. He hunched down in the chair and tucked his head down like a little turtle in a shell. Every time I sat him straight up, he immediately hunched back down with a scowl on his face. Finally the receptionist just took the darn picture and sent us on our way...yup....the nurse was still standing at the door waiting impatiently.

We finally entered the tiny little patient room (after surprisingly uneventful height and weight checks) and waited for the doctor. He entered the room almost immediately.....could it be that he heard us coming and wanted to hurry our asses out of there?? So...picture 5 of us in this tiny room, and I am trying to talk to the doctor and let him know what's been going on. Max is watching Cars 2 on the I-Pad blaring loud and Nick is jumping onto the bed and off the bed, rolling around, doing his screams and occasionally running over to hit Max or run into the door. I am quietly telling Nick to sit down, stop hitting his brother etc and my brother is....yup....just sitting there. At one point I could tell the doctor was about to lose it....he tells Nick, "You need to listen to your Mom!" Haha! Well....by god if someone with a PHD tells you that, then you'd better listen. Whatever....craziness continues. Eventually it is Nick's turn to be examined by the doctor. As soon as he realizes that he will endure something being stuck in his ears, nose and mouth, he freaks out. He slithers off the table and starts the screams that let me know that he is NOT happy. The doctor was getting frustrated and pissed and told Nick, "Oh, come on.....it will just take one second!" I finally snapped and hissed to the doctor, "he has Autism and he does not like people to touch him and put instruments in his ears, etc." Apparently the light bulb finally came on and the doctor put the thing up to his ear and told Nick he was going to count to three and it would be over. I rolled my eyes, but then something amazing happened. Nick allowed the doctor to look in his ears, nose and mouth....each time the doctor counted 1.....2......3 (and so did Nick) and then he was done. He listened to Nick's lungs by having him blow out a big breath (and even demonstrated it)...because Nick didn't understand what he meant when he was asked to "take a deep breath." Finally we finished out the appointment (in mostly one piece) and went to check out. It took FOREVER and I was finally unable to contain Nick any longer. He burst out of the office and into the waiting room. I just let him go.....I was trying to help Jonathan with the credit card receipt and help him navigate the office.....you can only do so many things at once. When we were finally done, we went to collect Nick who was standing at the glass window, next to the front door and facing away from us. As I got closer, I saw it.....Nick was licking a 12 inch streak on the window. Seriously? I abandoned Jonathan and grabbed Nick....I didn't think anyone saw....that is...until he decided to do the same thing on the wall next to the window. Then I looked over and saw the huge smear his tongue had left on the window and two girls in the waiting room giggling uncontrollably. We hustled out of the office with Nick making pit stops to lick the outside wall, the elevator and everything else he could get his tongue near. I mean......seriously.....I have a window licker? My brother just shook his head and said, "I'm not gonna say it." I pressed the issue and he finally says, "I don't know what's worse....going out to eat with you guys or going to the doctor with you!" Well, that got a chuckle out of me.....but it's the truth...and the reason I understand when people don't want to be in public with me and my two window lickers....it's exhausting! So...mission accomplished and it was only 2:00 (I think they hurried us out of there) LOL.....so we headed out to do the second most exciting thing of the day.....lunch at Red Robin!

Disney World......on Autism.......Chapter 1

We returned from Disney World on December 10th and it is currently December 31st. Apparently it took 3 weeks to fully recover from our "magical" experience. This will be long as we spent 8 days in Florida, so bear with me....I think it'll be worth it. My husband and I have been planning this trip in our heads for several years. We REALLY wanted to take our kids to Disney World, but just weren't sure how fun the experience would be for two kids with Autism. After our disastrous first experience at Elmo live, I swore that it would be years IF EVER before we attempted Disney. I couldn't imagine my two boys spending that much time being bombarded by sensory input in the form of Disney shows, fireworks and parades. I sadly told my husband that our children would probably never enjoy Disney World....we couldn't even make it through a movie or obviously an Elmo show. So....we spent the last 3 years taking our boys to special sensory showings at AMC once a month without fail. We voyaged out to local zoos, theme parks and eventually another Sesame Street Live show and Toy Story on ice. It was a slow and painful process....but we plugged away. Finally this summer we bought season tickets to World's of Fun (a local amusement park). I have no idea how many times we ended up going to the park, but by the fall I saw how much the work had paid off. Max ran to hug Snoopy excitedly and without any fear. Nick sat through a loud singing and dancing show AND actually enjoyed it! He sang and danced along and brought tears to my eyes. We went on ride after ride after ride and the boys were in love with the feeling of spinning and freedom on those rides. So...we took a deep breath, invited Grandpa and Grandma Hill and book an 8 day, 7 night "vacation" to Orlando, complete with plane tickets, hotel rooms on site and 5 day park hopper tickets. Did I mention that I am terrified to fly??? I had not been on a plane in over 8 years and was paralyzed at the thought.....but I figured if my kids could all these amazing things, then I could get on a darn plane for them! (With a healthy dose of Klonopin of course) So....vacation goes like this:

Day #1: We drag the kids out of bed at 5:30 in the morning and haul butt to the airport. Once at the airport, I drug myself into oblivion, we somehow make it through security without losing any children or luggage and we wait for our flight. I informed someone that we were flying with 2 children with Autism and we were granted special passes to board the plane first. THANK GOD. We were able to pick out the best seats for our kids and we sandwiched one of them between each of us and a Grandparent. I was worried the kids would be loud or start their verbal stimming or just generally be scared and upset and piss off the other passengers. Apparently I forgot that this was a flight to Orlando.....the MECCA for kids....our flight was packed with families. My kids were generally entertained by their carry on bags full of bribes and surprises and were no louder than any other kids. I dozed in and out of consciousness.....grateful for Grandma who braved the tiny bathroom with Nick. (He refused to go in it a 2nd time) :) We landed, navigated the airport and boarded a bus for our resort with little incident.....other than the fact that it was REALLY busy. Day #1 ended with some shopping time in Downtown Disney, including a store with an amazing selection of Mr. Potato Head goodies (much to Nick's pleasure). The shopping was a bit overwhelming for the boys, and we had a couple of minor meltdowns (which resulted in a purchase of the bribe of some CARS by grandma). In general, the boys did ok and were mostly unfazed. Unfortunately that ended when Nick saw the pool back at our hotel.....and had to be carried kicking and screaming to the room.

Day #2: We headed to Hollywood studios and once on site, we made a be-line to the Guest Relations area. I explained that I have two children with Autism and produce letters from the Developmental Pediatrician stating that they will have difficulty in crowded areas, long lines and excessive noise. The lovely man helping me didn't even glance at the letters....but wrote me out a special Guest Assistance Card or (GAC). This little gem would allow us to enter all rides either by the handicap entrance or in the "fast pass" line, thus bypassing the majority of the line on rides. They also put a "wheelchair" sticker on our stroller, which allowed us to use the stroller in place of a wheel chair in handicapped accessible areas....sooooo much easier to keep the boys contained that way!! Bless Disney for being so understanding of kids like mine.....I am truly grateful.

We headed right for the Toy Story ride (where we were able to bypass the majority of the 40 minute wait). The boys had SO much fun shooting at 3D targets (or at least Nick did....Max refused to wear the glasses or shoot the targets). The rest of the day was a blur of meeting characters (Mickey, Pooh, Daisy, Donald, Pluto, Goofy, Chip 'n Dale, Buzz Lightyear and Woody) and going on rides. The boys were literally ecstatic to meet all the characters!! They grabbed their special autograph books (thanks Grandma) and ran to hug each character, pose for pictures and get autographs. It was an amazing gift for me to see my boys react with such joy! By 3:00 we found a spot to watch the parade and ate lunch while we were waiting. Once the parade started, both boys were fixated on the floats and the characters and OMG we even saw Mr. Potato Head in the parade!! The boys did awesome....I took pictures of the awe on their faces while we watched the parade go by.

Shortly after the parade ended, we headed to a stadium (literally) to watch a stunt show with cars. We bought popcorn, settled in and the show began....wow.....I guess I didn't expect those car engines to be SO loud. Nick got a shocked look on his face, covered his ears, commenced screaming and attempted to run out of the stadium. We tried to calm him down, which was just not going to happen.....he was in sensory overload. We earned some interesting looks from people nearby and Grandpa finally made a hasty exit with Nick. Cue the second time in two days that tears sprang to my eyes....it's hard to see a 6 year old become so panicked. On the other hand, Max LOVED the stunt show and cheered when Lightening McQueen made an entrance. That was worth staying for. :) After the show was over, we met up with Nick and Grandpa.....Nick began issuing direct and clear orders, "come on, let's go bus!" Poor kid....it was only 5:00 and we had a long night ahead of us.

We rode the tower of terror (Max was too small, but Nick rode!!) By 5:45 we worked our way to one side of the park to wait for the Osborne Family Christmas lights to come on and "dance" to music. What an amazing spectacle of lights this was!! The boys were ecstatic with literally wall to wall Christmas lights lining two blocks! Their eyes shined as we pointed out all of the colors and labeled all the decorations....a carousel, a Christmas tree, even a bicycle all outlined in Christmas lights. Like magic (or by a special snow machine), little snowflakes began falling which caused quite the reaction!! Sadly, we had to hurry away after a few minutes to try and make it to the Fantasmic showing at 6:30. We arrived just as the show began and were informed that it was "standing room only." As we hurried into the theater, Nick finally let out what he had been holding in for several hours. His frustrations erupted in loud, throaty, hysterical screams that told us this show was far too loud for him to handle. We decided to leave the show and oblige Nick by heading out of the park and getting on a bus. Unfortunately for him, Mommy and Daddy had what we believed to be an amazing surprise in store. When we scheduled this vacation (4 months prior) we also booked dinner at Chef Mickey's (at an astounding $60 a person) where we could dine on a buffet and visit with Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy and Pluto as they wandered about the restaurant. We just KNEW the boys would love it! Honestly, they did love the dinner....there was such excitement as they saw each character and got autographs. We took pictures and the looks on Max's face were priceless and full of joy. Nick managed to locate macaroni and cheese in the shape of Mickey heads and was ecstatic to be enjoying some special shaped macaroni (a current obsession). Grandpa decided to get in on the fun and signed both autograph books for the boys with "PaPa :)." Max was in hysterics when he saw this....he screamed and smacked Grandpa's hand and tried like hell to wipe the autograph off of the page. He was seriously upset....and I think it's because he knows that ONLY the characters are supposed to sign those books!!! We left the restaurant with full tummies and happy hearts only to realize that the fireworks were getting ready to begin just across the street at Magic Kingdom. We went out onto one of the hotel's balconies to watch the show. As the fireworks began in all their glory, Nick got that familiar panicked look on his face. He started screaming and bolted as fast as he could, running inside and down the hotel's hallway. Grandma chased after him and brought him back to the window where he could watch the fireworks from inside without being bothered by the noise. It wasn't long before Grandma began to hear the familiar gagging noises coming from Nick's throat. She grabbed him and they ran like hell to the bathroom! As she pushed open the door to the bathroom, Nick began retching and vomiting his $60 dinner all over the bathroom tile. She was just grateful that it wasn't on the carpet....and that he was able to finish vomiting in the toilet. The rest of our crew finished watching the fireworks display and made the long trek back to our hotel via Disney bus with Nick (who smelled terribly like barf) and myself (definitely in need of some wine), and Daddy (who was immediately sent to the liquor store), and Grandma and Grandpa who looked like they couldn't believe what they had gotten themselves into. We finally made it back to our hotel, gave the boys late baths and went to bed.....the next day was another FULL day at Magic Kingdom. I was terribly discouraged and very certain that this day was only the beginning of what would be a really, really tough week for all of us.

Who Knew??? An Autism Friendly Amusement Park!

It has been a LONG time since I blogged......I have so much to say that I don't know where to start. Soooo......I'll start by talking about our family's experience at a local theme park (World's Of Fun) this past Saturday night. We went for the infamous "Boo Bash" where the park has been transformed for Halloween. Apparently the rest of the world went for the same thing! We have season passes to the park, but still managed to be directed to park in a lot we never knew existed. There were literally HOARDES of people coming into the park as it was open until 1:00 a.m. As we entered through the front gate and a crush of people, Allen and I looked at each other and silently both thought, "maybe this wasn't a good idea." We generally try to avoid ginormous crowds if at all possible.....it's just too much for our boys to handle. Then a light bulb went off in my head.....DING!! I seemed to remember that Allen had checked earlier in the season and found that World's Of Fun had "Autism passes" for the rides. We hurried our butts back out the front gate to customer service to ask.

Unfortunately Nick had already spotted the first ride he wanted to go on and was screaming "BLUE'S CLUES!!!" and crying throughout. We made it to customer service where they filled out two green passes (one for each special needs kiddo) and wrote their names and the date on the cards. We were instructed to present the passes at the exit/handicap entrance of any ride and we would be allowed to bypass the line! HALLELUJAH!! Who knew WOF was so Autism friendly??? So....we went back into the park and headed straight for the ride Nick calls "blue's clues" which is actually a giant ride that is painted blue and spins in a huge circle. We decided to brave the line and see how much the boys could handle. I think the ride went through about 3 cycles before we actually made it on the ride. Throughout our wait (Nick especially)was becoming hysterical that we continued to wait. He cried....he screamed....he tried to run out of the line up to the front.....he laid on the ground and he just didn't understand that we had to wait our turn. People were giving us dirty looks because he was acting out, but honestly this is all pretty tame for Nick. So...we waited our damn turn and finally got on the ride. As soon as the ride started spinning in circles, Nick got a faraway and peaceful look on his face. The ride went faster and faster and Nick's smile grew larger. I was fascinated...to me it looked as though the world finally made sense to my little boy. He had a few moments of peace without extreme sensory overload. Well....after I saw that look in my little guy's eyes we marched right over to the next ride he loves....The Octopus! Now....if you've ever waited in a full line for this ride you know that like a Ferris Wheel it takes FOREVER to go through one darn cycle. So....I took my happy ass and our little green passes to the handicap entrance and presented them to the ride operator. We were on the ride in less than 5 minutes. Some people think I am abusing my kid's special needs or that it's unfair not to force him to wait in line. I say that perhaps those people have never had a child who does not have the capacity to understand "wait." Those people do not have a child that grows hysterical to the point of embarrassment on my end and irritation and discomfort by everyone else waiting in line. Those people have never tried to restrain a 60 lb kid just to force him conform to society's rules which he does not yet understand. So...yup....we skipped the darn line and it was wonderful....and I got to see Nick at peace once again if only for a few moments.

We even got to do a little bit of Autism Education at World's Of Fun that night. We were standing in line to enter the trick-or-treating house and Nick was becoming impatient. The poor girl in charge of the line was only about 16 years old. She was just trying to let the group ahead of ours get farther into the house so we wouldn't be right on their tails. Nick was crying and I was holding him up so he wouldn't fall to the ground and start tantruming. She asked me, "is he scared?" and then went on to try and reassure Nick that there was nothing scary inside the building. I finally said, "He has Autism.....he's not scared." She looked at me with a blank look on her face as did the father standing next to us with his children. I took a deep breath and said, "He has Autism and it means he has trouble waiting because he doesn't understand why he has to wait." I saw the light bulb go on in both of their heads....thank god for some understanding. The father glanced at Nick and at his two children and said, "Yup, well....sometimes it IS hard to wait." He wasn't being a smart alec.....he was letting me know that he understands and making me feel normal about my kid's behavior.

The only other time we used our special passes was when we went to Camp Snoopy (the children's part of World's Of Fun.) We used them on one ride that had a really long line. Max and I were able to wait in the "normal" line while Nick and Allen waited at the handicap entrance. We found that Nick was able to wait patiently for that ride and join me and Max when our turn came to get on. I think it helped that the handicap entrance was quiet and empty.....at least he could wait in peace. Now....not to leave Max out of our little adventures. He also has a hard time waiting in line (but not usually as much as Nick). He and I were waiting in line for his favorite kiddie ride.....and the line was extensive. I felt guilty using his pass to skip ahead of a bunch of kids though, so I just tried to made him wait. He was really interested and inched towards the front of the line (out of my sight) to watch the ride go up and down. I waited a minute and then headed up toward the front of the line to reel him in. I couldn't find him and immediately started panicking......I asked someone, "did anyone see my little boy come up here?" One woman asked me, "Is he wearing a red shirt?" "YES, I said" and she pointed at the ride where Max was being buckled into a seat. That little turd snuck up to the front of the line and onto the ride before I could catch him!! Of course I was horrified and apologized to the kids at the front of the line, but I did chuckle a little as I waited for the ride to be over. How do you punish a kid for cutting in line when they don't understand? Max's little mind just knew he wanted to be on that ride and he accomplished his goal! One day I hope the two of them will understand and be able to wait in line like all the other kids. If not, I won't hesitate to uses special passes when necessary but man 'o man, I sure will wait in the longest line at any amusement park if it means my kid understands. Thanks to World's Of Fun.....we had an amazing night!!!!

Adventures in Autism Land

Let me start off by saying that I understand raising ANY type of kid is sure to be an adventure in itself. Raising two boys with Autism guarantees me an adventure every day of my life! The last couple days have been especially trying with my two little guys! My husband has been in Iowa helping to care for his father after a Quadruple Bypass. So.....if I thought I lived the life of a single mother before...well.....I am really living it now. I had to get out of the house, just to keep myself sane....and then I realize what a HUGE mistake that was!

Yesterday the boys and I decided to brave the newly opened Trader Joe's all by ourselves. Mistake #1. The carts are pretty small, so I could only confine Max and tried to rely on Nick to walk close by. Well....Nick had plans of his own. We spent the first 10 minutes in the store with Nick running wildly, walking on the pipes that run under the deep freezers, spinning in circles and just generally acting like a maniac. I handled it pretty well for awhile....tried to keep re-directing Nick to help me pick out fruit, try samples of lemonade...whatever, but it just didn't work. Maybe if they had samples of wine.....but I digress. So....I finally got down on Nick's level, had him look me in the eyes and said, "If you run off again, you will have to ride in the back of this cart." I'll be damned if that kid didn't immediately run to the freezer aisle to walk on the pipes again!! I calmly picked up all 59 pounds of him and deposited him into the back of the tiny shopping cart. Cue the LOUD, ANNOYING, MAKE YOUR TEETH CLENCH scream out of NIck's mouth. You would have thought I was whipping the child within an inch of his life by the sounds coming out of his mouth. I don't know if people are becoming more tolerant or if I just care less than I used to, but it didn't get much of a reaction. Some people looked in our general direction just to make sure I wasn't actually beating him, but then continued on with their shopping. SO....I pushed around that stupid, tiny cart full of about 90 pounds of boys for the next 30 minutes or so. Eventually Nick stopped screaming and even managed to help me pick out some new treats to try. He became obsessed with the balloons the store had and calmly told the lady at the counter, "I want a balloon please!" She asked what color he would like and he responded, "Pink!" Max could not be left out and Nick assured him, "Here you go, Maxwell" as the lady was blowing up his blue balloon. Yeah....we had a pretty good night :)

Today I again subjected myself to spending the majority of the day in public with my kids. We went to the doctor's office, met my BFF and her son Blake for lunch and play and McDonald's and continued on to shop at Target. Now....if you know me and Ellee (BFF), you know that we can spend and entire afternoon at Target. I immediately contained Nick to the back of the shopping cart this time! He did a pretty good job, with the exception of the verbal stimming throughout the trip. So....we had lots of loud yells and screams for no apparent reason. Again, most people ignored the majority of the screams...surprisingly. I asked Nick to "use his inside voice" which resulted in a few "quieter" yells that eventually worked themselves up to full throttle....sigh. Luckily Ellee and Blake are used to being around my kids and are pretty darn tolerant. At one point, Nick informed me that he had to "POTTY" and could not wait, so I braved the bathroom with Nick and Blake in tow. As soon as I took him out of the shopping cart, Nick was off like a caged animal. Blake and I chased after him, as he spun in circles, ran and eventually disappeared behind the jewelry counter. I cringed about what Blake (yes a 4 year old) must be thinking...and I told him, "sometimes Nick has a hard time being a good boy." This was my way of explanation for the odd behavior that I know Blake must be noticing by now. Blake told me, "Sometimes I have a hard time being good too." Ahh.....I coulda kissed the kid for making me feel....well....a little normal for once.

We made it through the rest of the shopping trip with little incident, said our goodbyes to Blake and Ellee and drove home. By this time I was exhausted, sweaty and wondering why I take the kids with me everywhere I go. Later, I asked Nick, "did you have fun playing with Ellee today?" He repeated what I said, "Have fun playing Ellee today." I assumed he didn't really understand the question, but continued the conversation with, "who else did we see today?" Nick looked up at me (kinda like I was an idiot) and said, "Blake!" I was shocked....I know it seems small to most people, but what a big deal for Nick! And finally I was reminded that there is a reason we don't hide away.....thanks Nick (and Blake)for helping me remember.

Never, Ever, Ever Give Up!

My kids are so amazing sometimes.....lately they have been leaving me more than a little speechless with some of their progress. We have been working really hard with Max on requesting. For awhile, we let him get by using only one word to request drink or "dink" and taking "help" for most other requests. I started to make him say, "I want ______" and it was pretty slow goings at first. Now though, he is starting to understand that he must use those 3 little words to get what he wants. For instance, yesterday he grabbed my arm, pulled me in the direction of his cup and said, "dink." I picked up the cup and said, "What do you want?" I could see the little wheels turning in his head and then the light bulb moment...."I.......want..........dink!" It's not always easy to understand, and a lot of times I have to parrot the words for him to repeat, but I am so proud of this progress!!! I know he's trying so hard to say new things, but sometimes those darn words just won't come out no matter how hard he tries!

Another rather inventive thing he's been doing lately involves the use of his I-Pad. The first time he did this was a couple weeks ago....we were sitting in a chair watching t.v. together and he started saying "cookie." I ignored him because it was close to dinner and he was NOT getting a cookie. He kept repeated "cookie, cookie, cookie" and pointing in the direction of the kitchen. I pointedly ignored him and he ran off to get his I-Pad. He pulled up the pictures we had loaded onto it and located a picture of himself eating a cookie. He looked at me, pointed at the picture and said "cookie!" I sat there in silence.....shocked. Apparently he thought I was still missing the point, so he scanned through the pictures, pulled up one of Nick eating a cookie, looked at me and insisted, "Cookie!" Well, how could I really ignore that? Yes, I gave the kid a cookie before dinner :) Just yesterday, he used the I-Pad in the same way. He tried to say something to me, but it was unintelligible and he realized I did not understand. He got the I-Pad, pulled up the pictures again and found one of him on a swing at the park. He pointed at the picture and said, "That" and then walked to the back door and stood there. I didn't move fast enough for him, so he walked back over, pulled up another picture of Nick on a slide and said, "that" then went to stand again at the backdoor while pointing outside. He REALLY wanted to play on the swing set in the backyard! I am so unbelievably proud of this new development!! I think we will be adding a lot more pictures to the I-Pad so he can make more specific requests!

Nick has also been doing some amazing communicating lately. He's doing such a good job using multiple words to request items. Our interactions usually go something like this......Nick will open the refrigerator door, pull out a package of pepperoni and either come hand it to me or say, "pepperoni." I will either ignore him or say, "I don't understand what you want?" He lets out a big sigh, looks me directly in the eyes and says, "Miss Mama I want pepperoni!" It's a little obvious that he has been going to school, huh? He has been putting a "Miss" in front of everyone's name lately (including Daddy and Papa) :) I know that Nick wants to stay in his own little world of Autism, but I'm determined to burst that bubble and pull him into our world. Some people might think it's mean to force the eye contact and multiple words, but it's just what we have to do. Someday I hope it will come naturally for him and his Autism won't be so obvious.

Nick and I had a mini conversation last night that just about left me with happy tears. He went to Ocean's of Fun ALL day yesterday with Grandpa, Grandma, Aunt Briley, Daddy and Max. I had to work, but we sat down to have dinner together after I picked him up from Grandma and Grandpa's house. I asked him, "Nick, what did you do today?" He looked me in the eyes and said, "swimming, pool, life jacket, slide!" I said, "Oh my, did you go swimming? Did Grandpa go with you?" He said, "Papa and Briley." I reminded him that Grandma, Daddy and Max were also at the pool and then asked, "What was your favorite part?" He told me, "swimming slides!" I started to tear up just a little and couldn't say much else than, "good for you, Nick, good for you." What can I say? This is probably the closest thing to a real give and take conversation that Nick and I have ever had! He might not have explained things to me in full sentences, but he sure got his point across. I know the important things....he went swimming with Grandpa and Aunt Briley, wore a life jacket and enjoyed the water slides the best.

Autism might be a really tough thing to deal with as a parent, but it's also really beautiful. These type of interactions happen all day long for parents of typical developing 3 and 5 year olds and those parents think nothing of it. On the other hand, each word, conversation, request, eye contact and every tiny interaction I have with my children makes my heart soar and reminds me to never, ever, ever give up on them.

"Tard Whispering"

As I lie here, typing this blog, I listen to Max and Daddy reading a book in the next room. A smile creeps over my face as I listen to Max labeling things in the book and demonstrating the various noises each animal makes. I am SO unbelievably proud that he is able to do these things and so much more. On the other hand, a dark cloud of sadness, anger, and many other emotions works it way into my mind. You see.....something happened at work last week that I just haven't been able to let go. I like to believe that people in my profession like to help other people....that they understand differences...that they are as excited about new knowledge as I am. But....I guess I'm wrong sometimes.....I guess now I know that they laugh and make nasty comments behind my back and even to my face.

Where do I start? I guess I should say that I am teaching a class about Autism for Law Enforcement Officers. The class is meant to help LEO's identify people with special needs and to help them better interact with people who have Autism or other developmental disabilities. It's an important class.....research shows that these types of people are 7 times more likely to come into contact with Law Enforcement!!! Unfortunately, these are not always positive contacts on either side. I thought, who better to educate officers about people with Autism than ME???? After all, I have been in Law Enforcement for 9 years now and have two children with Autism and have educated myself exstinsively. No brainer, right?

So, I have the first class scheduled for June 24th and it is filling up fast. I know there will be many more classes scheduled to involve Law Enforcement other than just the agency I work for. So, I had a recent opportunity to promote this class to another Law Enforcement agency while we were working together. I proceeded to tell no less than 5-10 officers about the benefits of my class and why they should attend the training. I was very passionate and yes, maybe a little over the top, but darnit I'm excited!!! So, the first several officers I speak with tell me they would enjoy the class and to let them know when it is scheduled so they can attend. Another couple agree to attend, mostly because it counts towards training hours :) The next few that I speak with happen to be some higher ranking decision makers.....the types of people that will either allow or not allow these other officers to attend the training. As I am in the middle of explaining the class and why it is so important that they attend, these officers start using words like "retard" and asking if this is a "tard whispering" class and if there will be any actual "Autistic" people in the class? Stunned......I stop speaking and listen as they go on and on about all the "retards" that live in their city and laugh and make fun of them. I cannot speak.....I am in shock.....I think I may cry if I open my mouth. So, I mention to one of them that he will be the only "Autistic" person in the class if he shows up for it as he obviously has no social skills. He tells me that even if he is ordered to attend my class by the Chief of Police, he will make them write him up instead. I walk out of the room thinking that I have never been so ashamed of or dissillusioned with my profession as I am right at this moment.

It took me over a week to write this, because honestly, I am still bubbling over with anger at these stupid, ignorant men. Is this the way my children are talked about behind their back by people who are sworn to serve and protect them? Are my children only "retards" to the rest of the general public?? Have I been lying to myself that I am helping people to understand? First of all, both of my children are highly intelligent, but they have trouble with social and communication skills. This does not make them Mentally Retarded.......and even if they did have a lower IQ that qualified them as Mentally Retarded, it does not qualify them as less of a human being. I hate these men for the doubt they have put in my brain ever since that day. I did manage to call one of their supervisors though and suggest that they may get some benefit out of attending my class ;) Knowledge is power and maybe I can get through to these ignorant asses!

A good friend of mine who also works in Law Enforcment had the opportunity to see these same men no less than a week after I had this experience with them. Apparently whatever she said to them had quite an impact as I have received one or two apologies for their lack of social graces. Unfortunately, the apologies I received where from officers who were not involved in the whole "tard whispering" conversation. All the same, it's good to know that I have friends who won't let people talk like that about me or my children and who will stick up for me when I am too shocked to do it for myself. You know who you are......love ya!