I'm having one of those days.....a really tough day. Most days I am so grateful for the things Nick CAN do that I don't really think about what he CAN'T do. Ever since he was first diagnosed, Nick has only progressed, albeit slowly at times. I know there are a lot of kiddos with Autism that regress and stop speaking completely or never speak at all. There are some kids that can't allow their parents to hug them without screaming in pain. There are some kids that will never live to reach the age (5) that my son is rapidly approaching. There are so many things to be grateful for and yet, sometimes I am so darn ungrateful that it makes me sick.
Am I the only one that has complete days where I just feel terribly sorry for myself? I'm not sure why today is one of those days, but I just have this sinking feeling in my heart. I've come close to crying several times throughout the day.....sigh. I think I've talked about this feeling enough with close friends and family that they don't care to hear it anymore. I think these days are just when it hits me that my child will never be what I imagined, dreamed and hoped he would be. It's a kind of mourning for the child that existed once upon a time in my mind and heart long before he was even a tiny being in my body. It is true that I have lost that child, but I have also gained the love and hope and adoration of the type of child I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams.
So...for the rest of the day, I'll let myself mourn the idea of the child I once had. I might even let myself cry just a little bit. At the same time, I'll sit here and watch...my son....in only dragon underwear, jumping off the coffee table while using a CARS blanket as a makeshift cape. I'll see the twinkle in his eyes as he tells me that he is a kitty and makes "meowing" noises and rubs against my legs. I'll giggle when I put his little brother in his room for timeout and Nick says, "Yeah, take nap." And then, maybe I'll remember just how perfect and special and important this little boy is to me. And I'll know that I may not end up where I thought I'd be, but I'll always end up where I was meant to be.
