The Hardest Part

I've been thinking a lot lately about the hardest part of having special needs children. There were many times over the past 5 years where I thought for sure that it could not get worse.....that my heart would break.....that THIS must be the toughest part of having a child with Autism. Over the last year or so, I've started to experience a whole new level of heartache. The toughest part of Autism, at least right now, is watching my children try (and fail) to interact with peers. It kills me when I see how they are treated by other kids (and adults) at times.

What are you supposed to do when another child makes fun of or takes advantage of your special needs child? How much more does it hurt when you realize that your child has NO IDEA that they are being taken advantage of or teased? Honestly.....you are grateful in one sense that your child experiences a certain amount of obliviousness......but your heart grows hard and your disdain for others becomes strong. It's not that I really blame other children for not wanting to play with my kids. It's understandable.....they are wild....they don't talk to other kids or play games with them or understand what another kid wants to do. I mean.....as a child, you can only chase Nick around for so long before you probably feel like he really doesn't want to play with you. Nick might run up and hit you and run away really fast. Your own 5 year old feelings will be hurt.....but you don't understand that Nick thinks he is playing tag. He might come and smack the top of your head really hard......you don't know that Nick wants to play "duck, duck goose." All you know is that darn Nick won't talk to you, or play any games you want to play and.....he's kinda rough.

What am I to say to these kids when they come to me, crying and tell me, "Nick doesn't want to play with me, he won't talk?" I usually just say that Nick has a hard time talking, which usually leads to many, many more "why" questions. How do you explain Autism to another preschooler? How do you stop other kids from ganging up on your kid, when he's such an easy and oblivious target? Will my boys ever have true friends?? Will they grow up with someone to confide in, mature with, who will love them just as they are? I honestly don't know.

In many ways, I am terrified for Nick to start Kindergarten next year....especially in a typical classroom setting. He's been cocooned in his own little world for the last several years in his special needs Preschool class. What will it be like for him to be so outnumbered by typical developing peers? I got a little teary eyed after Nick's last parent/teacher conference. We agreed on a good plan for him in Kindergarten....spending part of his time in a special needs class and part in a typical class with the support of a para. His teacher told me that the para would become kind of a "classroom para" and help all the kids. That way, Nick wouldn't become "THAT kid with the para." Really? Already? It made me cry to think that he couldn't even make it to Kindergarten without being different. All I can hope is that we will get Nick into an awesome school and keep him in the same school where he will grow up with the same general group of kids. That way, hopefully, he won't stand out so much......they'll just remember Nick as always being the way he is. God.....I know I sound like such a babbling idiot....like I feel soooooo sorry for myself.....like other parents don't have it worse. I really am grateful for what abilities my boys DO have, that it's not worse.....but I think it's important for other people to understand what parents like me are going through.

I'm kinda betting that most people don't have to think about this stuff so in depth when their kids are growing up. Sure....other kids have some problems with bullies, or cliques, or not getting invited to certain birthday parties. Think of how it feels for a parent who knows their child will never be invited to a birthday party, or be part of a group of friends or how it feels to wonder if your child is being picked on, but knowing that they won't be able to tell you if they are? My heart hurts for my boys just thinking about this right now. I'm glad that we do have several friends who don't allow their child to treat mine badly, who invite them to parties and are understanding when my 5 year old knocks down their baby or has a 1 year old style tantrum. But I have to wonder....how long will that last?