Thank God for Autism

When Nick was first diagnosed with Autism, I remember my mom (and a lot of other people) who were sympathetic. I mostly remember my mom saying, "I'm sorry sister" after she heard the diagnosis, because I think that's the only time she has let me feel sorry for myself. It wasn't long after the initial diagnosis that she told me, "It could be worse." Although I knew it was true, I used to get really upset when she said things like that. I mean....obviously I knew that it could technically be worse, but seriously? It really didn't help me feel any better about the diagnosis that "it could be worse." I really did try to live by these words, because I knew that she knew what I was going through. See...my mom has managed to raise two special needs children herself. I know that sometimes, the only thing that probably kept her going was the idea that yes, "It could be worse." I even remember telling Angie (our favorite ITS therapist) that "It could be
worse" when she expressed sympathy over Nick's diagnosis. I remember the moment very clearly. I told Angie that Nick had received his diagnosis and she said, "I'm sorry to hear that." I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Well, it could be worse." Angie said something to me at the time that I will never, ever forget. She told me (in not so many words) that yes....it could definitely be worse. However, she told me that I should still let myself mourn what I have lost. It is true that Nick will never be the child or possibly the man that I had expected. I do still let myself mourn that loss....but mostly I just celebrate everything that makes Nick, well....Nick. I can't imagine Nick without Autism....it's just a small part of who he is.

Now, for a long time, I was angry with my mother for always reminding me that "It could be worse." I felt pretty sorry for myself for quite awhile. Sometimes I wished she would just shut up about it and mope along with me. What can I say? She's never been that kind of a woman. Over the years, I have learned to appreciate everything that Nick does have and everything that he CAN do. I have met other children with Autism who will never speak, who do not sleep through the night, who will never, ever be able to function without continuous care. I remember the first time I heard Nick say "mommy." It took him 2 1/2 years to say it and I felt truly sorry for myself that I had to wait SO long to hear it. Then I met a child with Autism who had never and probably never would say "mommy." I felt so guilty and ashamed and for once, I finally realized how much worse it could be.

Over the years I have seen many examples of how lucky we are. After all, Nick is very smart, he can walk and run and jump, he says lots of words, I know he is happy and most likely; he will live a long and healthy life. What about parents who will never hear their child say "mommy" or "I love you?" What about parents who will never see their child walk or run? What about parents who don't know whether their child is happy or what their favorite food is? Most recently, my best friend's nephew was diagnosed with cancer. He was about 3-4 weeks old when he was initially diagnosed and he has been doing chemo ever since. He is now 4 months old and they have just learned that his tumor has grown. So, now I say, what about parents who don't know whether their child will live? I have been thinking about that little boy pretty often lately. I am so grateful for my healthy child. It is for these reasons that today I understand that "It could be worse" and I
thank God for Autism.